Thoughts

Its been rough lately and busy. With my kitchen being remodeled, my husband gone, dealing with having had a miscarriage, my best friend moving in a few months, and dealing with a new puppy. Can you say STRESSED?! Lets start with this, I don't know if anyone reads this and to be honest it feels like no one really cares about me anyway, with the exception of a few. I feely like this person who no one really cares about...I don't know why but I do. My previous "relationship" (can't really call it that..hence the quotations) was ridiculous...I mean yes I learned a valuable lesson but really he didn't even care about what I felt it seemed...couldn't decide if he loved me or her.

To be honest, its hard for me to really make friends. I want to, I really really do, but I am stuck. It feels like everyone who I was close to all of my "best" friends left...there is quite a list. Not always by choice, but it still happened and then I am stuck to pick myself back up and find someone new. All of them ,with the exception of my husband and a few friends, weren't much of a friend anyway...I just didn't see it until later. So it wasn't much of a loss, but at the time...it felt like my world was ending. So, its hard to make friends because every time I do I am let down, so I really do apologize if it takes me awhile...if I don't visit/call/text very often...I am terrified of losing more.

January, had a miscarriage...found out in February after having took a test and it being positive...for 5 days I got to believe that I was pregnant...then it all came crashing down when I found out that the test had just picked up the HCG left in my system. I was in the ER and was told that I wasn't pregnant anymore, after 6 hours of waiting..hoping that I was being paranoid..only to find out I wasn't. It was horrible and I took it really well. Then it sunk in...and it was gut wrenching...yes, it was an early miscarriage...but it still hurt. The hardest part was when I got the official confirmation my husband was gone, for 5 weeks and couldn't be there to hold me as I grieved. I felt like a fool and I just wanted to move on, keep trying...but I was missing a key ingredient...my husband. It isn't his fault, it is his job and I know he doesn't understand it and why women hurt so much over it, but I wish my husband had been there, was here now.

This is the truest, most honest post. I will not apologize for it. For once, I need to speak my mind instead of keeping quite and just letting myself be walked all over like a doormat. Summer of 2011 was one of those summers where I just let everyone walk all over me, use me, and treat me like trash. Enough is enough. Things are better now, but because of one thing...every part of my life changed. It changed me and how I looked at those around me...it was a big summer.

I am tired.