Nervous

First off I want to say THANK YOU too everyone who read my blog and messaged me or commented and left me sweet notes. I greatly appreciate it and am so grateful for the support given. 

So, I am definitely a little nervous about doing the fertility treatments..I am not scared about them failing or even them working..well okay I am scared that it will work and then I will miscarry again. That is not something I would choose to go through again and especially not now. I AM ready to stop this waiting and get started on the process. That has been the worst thing for me is waiting. Those who know me know that I am not a very patient person, I have been working on it...but I still am not very patient. ;)

Opening up about my infertility problems definitely was one of the scarier things I have done in my life. Its very exposing of my personal life, but I just felt strongly that I shouldn't hide it. Its crazy how much I have learned about myself in the last few years and how I have grown. I feel like the Lord has me going through this trial so that when I become a mother I will have a greater understanding and gratitude for the privilege I will hopefully have one way or another. I feel like I had to make some changes in my life first to be the mother I need to be for my children, I could be wrong but hey its just my opinion.  :) 

This blog will be an honest one and one where I share my thoughts and opinions...it may be read or it may not be. Who knows what will become of it! I just love to write and share my life.

Infertility and why its not a dirty word

So, without going into a ton of details my husband and I have fertility issues. When I first found out I wasn't sure I wanted to share my story, but the more research I have done the more I have wanted to share it. So many woman (and men) are ashamed of this word and the fact that they have trouble getting pregnant, carrying, etc. But honestly it is NOT something to be ashamed of, it is a part of life and though unbelievably hard it is something that needs to be talked about not shushed.

 After a year and a half of trying, one miscarriage and months of irregular periods I went to my regular doctor. Instead of sending me to a fertility specialist she put me on birth control, basically brushing my problem of over a year under the rug. I knew my problem was lack of ovulation and putting me on something that prevented that was NOT the solution, just a "quick fix". After 4 month of that roller coaster...and trust me it was a roller coaster of crazy!! I went back to my doctor and told her that I wanted to see a specialist and what do you know I actually got answers! 

After the first meeting with my new doctor (love her!) I knew that things were going to get done. Immediately she already had her suspicions but I was soon given Provera to induce a period then sent to get 11 vials of blood drawn the very next week. After many tests and blood draws I was given my diagnosis. 

I had a Prolactinoma, this is a small benign tumor on my Pituitary gland...so basically it screws up my hormone levels and causes it to be difficult to conceive. I was put on a medication that lowers those levels (specifically the hormone Prolactin) and i have monthly blood tests to monitor those levels. I also have an appointment with a specialist to fully investigate and put me on whatever medications I need to be on...

On top of this diagnosis I also have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). This is one of the more common infertility issues, this one causes the ovaries to grow cysts and not ovulate. So BAM I have two issues that cause infertility, but I have my answer and a battle plan. After my appointment with the specialist and hopefully a green light I get to start fertility treatments and will be doing IUI (Inter uterine Insemination) which is where they directly inject hubby's sperm in my uterus on day of ovulation. Giving me a slightly higher percent chance of getting pregnant. 

Since my miscarriage a year and a half ago it has been a rocky road full of emotions. I have felt the grief of losing that baby often, I have felt bitterness towards those friends announcing their pregnancies time and time again, sorrow that I am not a mother yet and joy as well for those friends lucky enough to be called Mommy. Now I have answers and I feel hope for the future.

So, I don't know who reads this but if you are struggling with infertility know that you are NOT alone and that there are others who may not understand exactly how you feel but they do understand the roller coaster of infertility. 

Mothers who have children already, be sensitive to those who don't yet...you never know their story. I have heard countless times the following:

Just RELAX

Oh, you are young it will happen soon!

You are so lucky you don't have any kids to go home to!!

Be thankful that you don't have any kids yet, they suck the life out of you.

Oh Man Pregnancy was rough..(lists all the downsides)

So when are you going to have kids?!

you are so lucky you can sleep in and have free time.

Ladies, I would trade my quiet house, 8 hours of sleep, and free time in a HEARTBEAT for the chaos of children. So please, remember this before you speak...Mommies, be grateful everyday for those full arms for their are many that feel that emptiness daily and know that we love you, some days just hurt.

Some days are harder than others.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love children and find great joy being with little ones...but there are days when the pain is so sharp I just can't be around those same little ones...

Mothers Day this year was particularly rough this year, with the new knowledge of my diagnosis, it hit me hard that I my arms were still empty.

I am not sure where I will go with this blog so bear with me as I figure it out, but I promise I will do better about writing. Stay tuned for the next post about Adoption!

It truly is a Hard Knock Life...